I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
