After last night, I could never be a politician.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
