cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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