smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
