You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
