I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Dicks are not precious.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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