So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
