New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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