Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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