She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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