Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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