She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
