I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
