Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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