i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
