Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
