Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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