hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
