I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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