I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
