All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
