The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hippo gnu deer
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize