When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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