watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
