I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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