I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
