I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I am mentally ready for anal.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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