I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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