i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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