the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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