you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just want nice things and good sex
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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