I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
