I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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