: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
