I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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