If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
