shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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