Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
