well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
