I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
