No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
