you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
