Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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