no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize