sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
