So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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