Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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