When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
