thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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