im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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