he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
