Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
