If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
