u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
