Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We are all done wearing pants today
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
