i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
