Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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