This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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