You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
