i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
