you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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