Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
