I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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