Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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