I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I love having hate sex.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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