did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
