I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
