Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just pee around me
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
