Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
