I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
